Thoughts Of A Military Fashion Victim

Hard At Work
Modeling The OCP

I'm enjoying my new OCP uniform (aka multicam) - but it's the third type of uniform I've worn in the last two months.

It's actually an Army uniform that the AF and Navy also wear over here (and it's the same basic pattern as what the Brits wear). Apparently the plan is for all the Americans in Afghanistan to wear it, but I'm not sure they'll get around to issuing them to everyone before we leave in 2014.

This uniform differs from my AF-issued ABS-G uniform in several ways beyond the obvious pattern and color. For example, it's got a button fly and a zipper shirt - the ABS-G is the opposite. It has patches on the arms, which I really like. The pocket layout is handier and better than on the ABS-G's. The fabric is lighter (but still warm) and the overall cut just fits better. The ABS-G always felt a little dumpy, while the OCP uniform has a more tailored look.

Sadly, I won't be able to wear it back in the States. From what I can tel, the Army and Navy guys can't either - it's only authorized to wear in Afghanistan. Would now be a bad time to mention that the customs form on the box my OCP's were shipped in listed the value of the contents at $2300? Yikes! If I'd known that, I don't think I'd have requested them.

I'm going to give one set to my buddy Jon the Chaplain, so that takes the sting out a little... but wow, man, these duds aren't cheap.

Can't say I understand the decision to limit OCP's to Afghanistan. This means I'll only get 4 months of use out of it, although given how rough the laundry is around here, maybe four months is as long as they'll be serviceable.

I'd love to be able to wear this one all the time, 'cause they're WAY better than the AF ABU's we usually wear. Maybe at some point they'll make the change and have us all wearing this every day, regardless of location, but most likely I'll be out of uniform entirely by the time that happens. I guess we'll see, and in the meantime I'll get as much use and enjoyment out of them as I can.

Water, Water, Everywhere

I drink a lot of water over here - at least 4 or 5 bottles a day, sometimes 7 or more, particularly on days when I have an exceptionally sweaty workout (and yeah, that's almost every day). Fortunately, as I mentioned previously, there are stashes of bottled water everywhere around the camp - free for the taking.

It's a little hard to tell from the picture to the left (cheap camera!), the label says it's "a quality product of the Coca Cola company." That's a little bit comforting, but I think they're using the word "quality" in the Afghan sense of the word. Or to paraphrase Inigo Montoya, maybe that word doesn't mean what they think it means.

As far as I can tell the water is clean and potable, although we did just get a warning not to drink water bottled on two specific days (the bottling date is stamped on each one). 

Extra, unexpected flavors aside, there's also a lot of variation in certain aspects of this "quality product." For example, some bottles are fuller than others. Some are extremely full (i.e. all the way to the top) which makes opening the bottle a messy proposition. Sometimes the labels just fall right off, and a few times I've had bottles with two labels... which also fell off). 

If they can't get a consistent quantity of water into the bottles, it does make me wonder what other variations are tolerated in the bottling process. This hasn't stopped me from drinking it, but it does makes me appreciate the quality and consistency of American bottled products.

Gym Progress

Pretty much everyone over here aims to get in better shape during their deployment. Some of us make more progress than others, but so far I'm pretty happy with the way things are going for me.

When I first go here, I'd run for a little while, maybe 3k. Simon the Australian Army PT instructor in charge of the gym put together a nice program for me, and I gradually added to it. I'm now working towards a "Tour of Afghanistan" t-shirt. I just have to run, bike or row 1,740k and the shirt is mine.

Actually, they multiply your running and distances by three, to make them more equitable with the bike distances. So I only have to actually do 580k to get the shirt. No problem, right?

Anyway, I've upped my speed and distance so now I'm covering 8 to 10 km each day, in some combination of rowing and running. Sometimes it's a 4k row and 6k run, other times I'll just go for a full 8k or 9k run. And while I used to do a leisurely 5k in 30 minutes, now an 8k in 42 min is more typical.

The other change is that I used to run miles, but no I run kilometers. They're much easier.

Actually, I'm tracking kilometers because that's how they do the shirt. But I do like the sense of accomplishment when I do 8k. It feels like more than 5 miles.

I'd also been doing a little weight lifting, but now I've got a new program that gets more serious about weights. I like it so far - we'll see what sort of progress I'll make in that department.

Stayin' Amused

Since my typical work day goes to 7 or 8, and then I Skype with Kim for a while, I don't have a ton of time to fill most evenings. However, there are occasional blocks of free time, and fortunately there are some diversions and amusements available for just such times.

There's a movie theater that shows a film each night at 8. I've been once (it was Aeon Flux - what can I say, I'm a sucker for dystopian movies with strong female leads and comic book sensibilities).

There's also a server called Fortress, which is full of movies, tv shows and music we can download for free. I've snagged a bunch of movies, but mostly I've been watching Arrested Development. I'd seen some of the later episodes already, but most of the early stuff is new to me. I did manage to watch a few movies so far: Dinner For Schmucks, Cowboys and Aliens and Tank Girl (like I said, I dig dystopian comic book movies)

I've been doing some reading too. At the moment I'm in the middle of a detective novel attributed to "Richard Castle" (that's Nathan Fillion's character in the Castle TV show). It's fun. I'm also reading A Brief History Of Everything, by Bill Bryson, which has some of the best writing I've ever come across. I've already finished Bite Me (a vampire comedy by Christopher Moore) and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (overrated, not gonna read the rest of that series).

Oh yeah, I also started reading a book by Thomas Merton about Zen Masters and Mystics... but it ended up a bit more academic than I was looking for. I may try it again.

Speaking of books, there are free books everywhere. I can think of at least three places with big bookshelves full of books for the taking. I've picked up one by John Le Carre and one by Christopher Moore, but haven't started them yet.

The camp has bingo every other week, and I did that once. My Croatian buddy Srecko won a very nice digital camera, and other prizes included an iPod and a 1T external hard drive. Good stuff! There's also karaoke, but I don't plan to do that anytime soon.

During the day, my guys and I sometimes manage to sneak over to the game room for some foosball or ping pong. Usually for about 20 minutes after lunch or after dinner. So I get some social fun too.

And of course there's gym time every day (except Friday - my rest day). I'll post something about the gym next time.

Keep Out!

One of the major problems here in Afghanistan is an infestation of flowers. Fortunately, these pesky flowers are literate, which is why these signs work so well. And yes, in case you'e wondering, before the snow came this sign was effectively protecting a patch of completely bare dirt.

When I read this sign, I hear Rainn Wilson's voice in my head (he's Dwight from The Office): "Keep Out, Flowers!"

Afghan Space Program

A New Zealander with the remarkable name of Grant Motley (isn't that cool?) showed up the other day wearing this awesome patch on his uniform.

As you can see in the zoomed-in photo below, it's from the Afghan Space Program.

Of course, there is no such thing... but it's a pretty cool patch. I totally want to get one. And then I need a uniform that has a spot for patches.

Gravel

Old Gravel

We got some new gravel delivered near my building. It's much nicer gravel than the old stuff. I'm so excited!

It's got more color and character, although I'm sure a few days in Kabul should knock that right out of it. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying the new stuff. Hey, we've got to take our pleasure where we can, right?

New Gravel

Sheets & Laundry

You may wonder how we handle laundry around here. Well, I'll tell you.

We've got a drop-off laundry service, and what it lacks in gentleness it makes up for in speed and convenience.

As part of my inprocessing, I was issued two mesh laundry bags. Each one has a colored tag with a number (I'm Green 801 and Green 806). When the bag is 3/4 full, you just bring it over to the drop-off point and show your number to the guy. He writes your name, initials and tag color/number on a triplicate form. One you keep, the other copies go into the bag with the clothes.

The next day, you show up with your form and they look through the shelves for your bag, which is now full of clean & folded clothing, along with the other copies of the form. They bring Green 801 to the window and check to make sure the initials on the form in the bag match my initials.

Apparently fabric softener hasn't been invented in Afghanistan yet, because my clothes come back super-charged with static and everything's a bit on the crunchy side. Plus, white fabrics are quickly turning grey. So yeah, I miss home laundry.

Sheets and blankets are exchanged one-for-one (clean for dirty). And contrary to what I expected, the sheets are not standardized, industrial sheets. They are a bizarre collection of different styles & colors.

For example, check out the photo of the pillow case I was issued a few weeks ago (I've since traded it in). Yes, it's black, and it has a weird print of a photo of some old fashioned dude in a suit and hat, along with some ladies in dresses. Seriously, who buys that (and then donates it to ISAF)?

And twice now, I've been issued a duvet cover instead of a top-sheet. That's a drag, because a) it's not quite big enough to really use as a top-sheet, b) I didn't get a duvet to go with it, c) it's got two layers and that's more than I really need, sheet-wise and d) that means I have to go back to the laundry and explain that what I really wanted was a top sheet.

So... now you know all about laundry & sheets over here. I know you were wondering.

How To Have Fun At ISAF

With so many different nations serving here at ISAF, I've enjoyed learning how to say hello in new ways. But what's really fun is greeting my international friends in a different language... than the one they actually speak.

 

For example, I like to say bon jour to the Germans and guten tag to the French. It's hilarious.

 

Alright, I don't actually do that, but it would be funny to try sometime. One thing I do say is merhaba to the Turkish troops. That always gets a big surprised face, because the Turks don't expect an American to know anything in their language. Following it up with nasilsinez (how are you?) tends to result in an invitation to drink Turkish coffee and/or a gift of a box of Turkish baklava (which my guys devoured in 30 minutes) or a big bag of Turkish hazlenuts. Turks are awesome!

 

So I'm following in my Dad's footsteps as I collect little phrases in as many different languages as I can find. Working with this international crew is definitely one of the highlights of being here.

A Surreal Moment

Not to dwell too much on the air quality around here, but I had a really weird moment with a couple Macedonian guards the other day. We were in their office and they were both complaining about how bad the air is. These guys spend a lot more time outside than I do, and that particular day the air was worse than usual, so their complaints were certainly valid. But I had to laugh a little when, in the midst of their complaints about what the Kabul pollution is doing to their lungs... they both lit up cigarettes.

 

Seeing someone smoke inside was odd enough, let alone in a government office. But to have a lit cigarette in your hands while complaining that Kabul air is bad for you, well, there's a certain lack of self awareness going on or something..

 

You can't make this stuff up.

The Writing Life

One of my goals for being deployed was to get some writing done. While I don't feel entirely satisfied with my pace, when I step back and look at what I've actually pulled off so far, I guess it's not a bad stack so far.

 

The blog is the most obvious example. I like the pace and quantity. I'm not posting every day (that'd be too much), but most weeks I don't go too many days before adding something new. So I'm happy with that and I hope you're enjoying it too.

 

Magazine-wize, my last article for Defense AT&L was literally my last article for Defense AT&L. I've decided, for a number of reasons, to pursue different publishing outlets. So far, I've submitted a short 1,000 word article to National Defense Magazine (it was accepted & will be published in the next issue!) and a much longer, 4,000 word piece to Analog magazine - still waiting to hear back from them, but I'm optimistic. I've got a few other pieces in the works and a few other magazines in my sights - watch this space for updates.

 

I'm also working on two books - or maybe three, depending on how loosely we define the word "working." One is a non-fiction, no-holds-barred look at defense acquisitions. I even use a bad word (!) in one chapter, so yeah, the gloves are off. I'm about 13,000 words in to that one, and figure it'll come in around 50,000 words by the time it's finished. I'm really excited about that one.

 

The second book is the third in the Skyler series, a fantasy / adventure for my kids. I wrote a lot of it before coming here, so I've started the process of typing the manuscript, but the story itself isn't done yet so I hope to get it finished before May. I haven't exactly figured out HOW it'll end, so I really need to get my game on to bring that one home. Of all my projects, that's the one I feel the most behind about. OK, it's the only one that feels behind.

 

Anyway, the third book is more hypothetical. It's a military novel, sort of a dark comedy ala Catch-22, only with more bureaucracy. And hackers. It's set in the Pentagon and Afghanistan (imagine that!), although I don't plan for it to be as autobiographical as it might sound. I've only got a few pages and sketches & scribbles put together, so we'll see if anything comes of that at all before I head home.

 

Ok, enough blog stuff. Time to work on a book (or two).

The 'Stache

Day 2

As a dude, I have always felt a certain obligation to grow facial hair at some point in my life, just because I can. However, in my house a scruffy face is understandably an invitation to not get kisses, so I make a point of shaving regularly. 

Being deployed seemed like a good opportunity to grow a mustache without too many repercussions and without imposing too much scruff on the delicate flowers I share a home with. Plus, I recently re-watched A Fish Called Wanda, and Kevin Kline's mustache just begged to be copied. Therefore, as previously announced right here on this very blog, on January 1st I launched the Great Mustache Experiment... mostly for the photo opportunities it might provide.

Day 8

For the first day or two, not much happened. But after a week, the thing has definitely established a presence on my face. It is still smallish, as mustaches go. Certainly nowhere near the Tom Sellek category, but it is unmistakable... and unavoidable.

 Frankly, I got tired of seeing it sitting there pretty quickly. For that matter, my wonderfully patient wife wasn't too fond of it from Day 2.

Originally I'd envisioned keeping it for a month, but by Day 8 I pretty much decided 14 days would most likely be a sufficiently long tenure.

Day 8, take 2

So I'm gritting it out, watching it come in and counting the days until I can get a good photo and shave the darn thing off.

Watch this space.

Things To Appreciate

I compiled a list of things I'll definitely appreciate more fully once I get back to the States. It started out as a list of things I miss (aside from my family), but that sounded too much like complaining. So here it is, in no particular order, is a collection of things I'm looking forward to:

Civilian Clothing

I reached for a pair of camo pants the other day and just sighed. On the one hand, it's convenient to not have to think about what to wear. On the other hand, wearing the same thing every day gets old after a while. So I plan to smile big every time I reach for a t-shirt and pair or jeans, or lace up my Chuck Taylors.

Raw Carrots

We get a ton of cucumbers and lots of cooked carrots, but no raw carrots. I think it's 'cause you can get frozen carrots but not frozen cukes, and the DFAC only orders fresh if they can't order frozen. I ate raw carrots all the time at home and definitely miss them here. Also, cheese and cake and red wine and sushi... well, you get the picture.

Restaurants

On that note, the DFAC really does a good job of providing variety. Lunch and dinner both generally have at least three entrees to choose from. But it can't match the variety available within a 2 mile radius of my house. That's something I definitely won't take for granted when I'm home again.

Bagels & English Muffins

One last food-related comment: I love pancakes, particularly now that I've got real NY maple syrup (yay!). And I'm eating bacon way too often, so really, breakfast around here is pretty good. But sometimes, it'd be nice to just have an english muffin or a bagel. It's just one of those little things that I didn't fully appreciate until now.

A Feminine je ne sais quoi

Not that there aren't any women around here, but they're a distinct minority. This is a very dude-dominated environment, both among the ISAF crew and the locals. As you might imagine, the camp lacks a certain feminine touch, so things feel a bit out of balance. Which isn't to say the ladies around here aren't feminine, but they do tend to wear combat boots and carry weapons, so there's that. When a recent Skype chat showed my wife and two daughters, my sister and her daughter, and my mom, it was a striking moment to see so many ladies all at once.

Clean Air

You know how sometimes there's a strong smell in the air and after a few minutes your nose adjusts to it so you don't notice it any more? Yeah, I wish that would happen here. This place really doesn't smell nice. I think I'll spend the first month back home just breathing deeply.

Personal Space

I work in a medium-sized room with 7 other guys. After work, I share an 8 x 18 cell with a room mate. Any time I'm in a vehicle, I'm crammed in the back with three or four other guys. Not a lot of opportunities to have a little time & space to myself. I expect it'll be a long time before I take privacy for granted.

My Shower

The showerhead back home is excellent - great water pressure, a large spray and all the hot water I want, with a consistent temperature that's not dependent on the dudes in the stall next to me ('cause at home, there is no stall next to me). Actually, my shower at home is something I already appreciated even before coming here. Plus, the shower walls at home are clean. And if I open the bathroom window the mirror doesn't get all foggy. And when I'm in there, I don't have to listen to some dude in the stall next to me blowing his nose repeatedly and sounding like a hunter with a duck call. Seriously, that's just gross.

Water

Speaking of water, I'm looking forward to brewing a pot of coffee without having to open 3 bottles of water to do so. I'm also looking forward to brushing my teeth with tap water instead of bottled water.

Days Off

My daily schedule generally isn't too hectic, but there's something relentless about putting on my uniform and going to work every single day. It was almost a relief to catch a cold and spend a day in my room watching movies although the physical discomfort sort of took the bloom off that rose. Anyway, weekends are something I always appreciated and I am definitely looking forward to having them again.

I Hab A Cowd

Well, it was bound to happen eventually. I came down with a cold and it knocked me on my patriotic patootie.

It started on Monday, when I went to the gym and was a little surprised that I didn't really want to be there. I pressed on anyway, figuring it was just mental fatigue that would go away once I got moving. After using the rowing machine for a while, then doing some weights, I got on the treadmill and could barely force myself do run 3K. Just two days earlier, I'd done a 10K without much difficulty. Something physical was definitely up, and I figured it must be that I hadn't really recovered from Saturday's race yet. Yeah, that wasn't it.

Everyone here has a little cough most of the time, but on Monday mine was a little more persistent than usual. Just enough to get my attention, but not enough to really stand out. In hindsight these were early symptoms, not that I probably could have done anything about them anyway.

Tuesday morning arrived and I felt bad enough to say something to my roomie ("I don't feel great"). Chalked it up to the bad air and went off to breakfast for some toast and tea. Made it through my briefing to the Commander and did the zombie-shuffle back to my office.

I was scheduled to give a training briefing at 1030. Sitting at my desk at 0900, my magnificent brain went into overdrive trying to predict whether I could make it to 1030, or whether I'd be able to get up again if I went to bed for a while. This was a difficult thing to figure out.

Suddenly, because I'm a genius, I realized I could go to the training session RIGHT NOW and beg permission to do my bit early... so I did and I did.

Back in my room, I was in bed by 0945 and restlessly slept until 1500 (that's 3pm for you civilians). A headache came and went, and around noon I wondered if it would be worth the effort to get a Tylenol or two from my wardrobe, which was inconveniently located almost a full half step beyond the edge of my bed. After a 30 minute debate, I decided to man up and make the trek. Tylenol ingested, back to bed I went.

The thought of some soup for lunch briefly awakened me, but I was pretty wiped out from the Tylenol Trek. Plus, going to the DFAC would have involved putting a uniform on (they frown on wandering through the line in my pj's). Plus, I wasn't hungry. And I didn't know what kind of soup they'd be serving. Imagine getting all the way there and it's some thick, cheesy soup. That would be the opposite of helpful.

So I spent most of the rest of the afternoon in bed, trying to decide whether I was hot or cold. Then apparently the germs gave up, because around 3:00 I was awake and feeling almost human. It felt like I'd been licking Afghanistan, but at least it was in the past tense. I cautiously turned on the light, read Wired magazine for a while, then pulled on a uniform and ambled over to the office in slow motion, mostly to see if I'd got any mail (answer: yes!). An early dinner led to an early return to the room where I got to Skype with my honey and had the clearest video ever ('cause nobody else was online).

Then back to bed early - hopefully to knock this cold out once and for all.

Teh Kittehs!

I think I already mentioned that there are a lot of cats running around the ISAF compound. This is one of the scruffier-looking specimens, although I think the kitty who hangs out under the stairs by my office is a close second.

They're hard working cats, chartered to keep the place free of vermin. I haven't actually seen them catch anything, but I also haven't seen any critters, so they must be working.

UPDATE: Just today, I saw a black kitty running along with something small and furry in its mouth. It was being chased by a tabby who I'm sure was intent on teaching the black kitty about the virtues of sharing.

As you might imagine, we're not supposed to pet them. The ISAF vet clinic does give them checkups and vaccines and stuff, and a few even wear collars, but all the same, there's no guarantee they don't have some nasty local bug that would love to get passed along to a person.

Of course, the cats don't know they're not pets and they're not averse to asking for a little affection. Still, I always wince a little when I see someone sitting on the sidewalk petting a local feline.

We've also got a couple dogs here, trained to sniff for explosives (they search cars, etc). They are some of the most energetic, happy dogs I've ever seen. Not sure if they'll sit still for a photo, but I'll see what I can do.

Happy New Year!

The list of things I'm looking forward to in 2012 is pretty enormous, and of course at the top of the list is: Coming Home! Just five more months, more or less.

In the meantime, I'm going to try something I've never done before. The photo below gives a hint:

Yup, I'm totally gonna grow a mustache. Probably not a big curly one like in the picture, 'cause that'd be out of regs, but since I'm on the other side of the planet and can't possibly give scratchy kisses to my honey or the kids, I figure I'll take advantage of my one shot at being a mustachio'd dude.

It may not last the month, and I can guarantee I'll leave it here in Kabul, but I think it'll be a fun little experiment. And of course, my faithful blog readers can expect to see photos. Watch this space...